This is a hard post for me. It may be long. I started this blog to get things off my chest/mind and to get them on paper/computer screen. This is an instance where the post is totally a release. Skip it if you need to. Pray with me if you want.
Have you ever met someone that you instantly took to? That you wondered "where have you been hiding, you are like my other half"? Someone that you longed to be with because you both were just so goofy and strange and got the same dark things that are just part of life but make everyone else uncomfortable to talk about let alone laugh about? Have you had friends for almost all of you life that you have shared things with and talked over things with and made tough life decisions with and then you meet someone and even though you have not shared that you feel closer and more at ease with them then your life long friends?
I remember when we first met....thinking......man where has she been hiding. I felt I could tell her my life story and she would get it or at least not try to correct it....just let it be what it is.
We giggle at the same goofy, dark, stupid stuff. We have conversations that border on bizarre. We think of the same words at the same time and I am not talking about finishing obvious sentences. We once said purplalicious at the same time in response to a question by a co-worker. Whose uses the word purplalicious? And is it even a word? And if it isn't it proves my point even more. When things happen, I can't wait to tell her and get her opinion/comment on it. When something ridiculous happens she is the first one I want to share it with. Talk it over with. Have fun with being so ridiculous. And when I need parenting advice I run to her for her thoughts.
Now imagine that friend asking "what would you do if you were told you only had one year to live?" And knowing she is not asking for kicks. She is asking because she is facing things.
Now imagine thinking to yourself, no screaming to yourself, "what would you do if you were told you only had one year left with a friend?"
I know she has cancer. I knew it when I met her. I hate that word...cancer. What is it? What does it want? Why does it destroy people? Why? Why is it here? What are we learning from it? What? We can learn the same things in a different way, I know we can! Why cancer?
I have seen people die. Some even right before me. I have dealt with it. I nursed my grandfather as he died. I let him go. I have watched a 3 month old die and cried and moved on. I have put them all in a place and wrapped my brain around them all nice and tidy and stored them away. It is okay. I handled them. I think of them often. But I am okay with it. I miss them. I wish they were still here but I have accepted they are not.
I can not wrap my brain around this. I don't want her to die. I don't want to say goodbye or live the next year doing things knowing that we are living our last moments together. I don't want to think of her child growing without her. I don't want to. No really....I DON'T WANT TO!!
But what choice do I have, dammit? No choice. She doesn't have a choice and neither do any of those that love her. No choice, just a year. Or less. Maybe even more.
The rational me thinks ... oh they could come up with some other treatment. A miracle could happen and she could be healed. We are all just living our last days anyway so just take it for what it is. She will be at peace. All that garbage just makes me want to throw up. I am angry. There it is..... i am angry
And I do not know what to do with my anger. And I, JUST, do not know what to do with my ...... anger.
I could bury it in the backyard. See that is what I would say to her. And she would laugh and I would laugh and we would skirt around another hard issue. And just be.