I have been praying about 30 Days of Nothing. I needed to find my place. I wanted to participate. I thought it was a grand idea. But how to best carry it out for me? Do I involve my family or try it solo?
Many things have come to mind. Many ideas have been tossed around. I believe I have found my place.
30 Days of Nothing to me means being more aware of what I have. It means a lifestyle change. A change of attitude. A change in the way I look at things.
In the last five years I have had many "events" in my life that have brought stress and pain. And for a while I have had them all floating in my head. Trying to make sense of them or find a place to store them. I am going to use this blog to purge or sort through. And hopefully start my journey of what I feel 30 Days of Nothing means to me.
I have more than enough. And I have not been very grateful. I was born here and now with many things at my fingertips. Others where born elsewhere with nothing. How disrespectful of me to be so ungrateful with all that I have. Daily. I believe one major flaw is that I do not know how lucky I am. That is my journey. To dig deep and see how others live. To dig deep and see, really see, how I live.
In the last five years the following things have caused me extreme stress.
1. major marriage disruption that bordered on divorce, including two separations.
2. both inlaws facing major medical trama that involved cancer for both of them, at the same time. they are both now survivors.
2. grandmother facing cancer, she is now a survivor.
3. the death of my grandfather, who i cared for in his final days.
4. the murder of one of my longest and dearest friend's 4 month old child by his babysitter.
5. a move far, far, away of a very dear friend.
6. changing jobs 5 times, trying to find my place that fit my family.
7. financial stress that we are now trying to climb out of. very slowly. not fast enough for the creditors that continue to call.
8. the sudden death of a close friend.
9. a very close friend struggling with cancer and all that that includes.
10. two close couples going through divorces.
11. the chosen one burning himself so badly that he was in intensive care for a week.
12. the drowning of rowdy one in a family friend's pool. he was blue, cpr was administered, he has recovered and will even swim now. a year later. 13. wise one seeing his brother in the pool and not being able to help him. 14. a close friend accidentally overdosing on perscription drugs that she was addicted to. i was will her the day it happened and noticed nothing. she still struggles with her addiction and has continued to go down hill.
15. understanding and facing depression.
16. september 11th.
17. intense therapy. which saved my marriage. and much of my sanity. and i believe started me on this journey.
In all these situations. I. was. never. alone. Not one time did I not have someone to turn to. Someone unexpectactly bringing me dinner. Someone calling to check on me. Someone to cry with me. Someone looking out for me. Someone to offer a hug. Not once, was I alone.
That is big. That is really BIG! To never be alone in your trials and tribulations. To know that you always had someone to lean on. That is so big to me that just typing it makes me cry. Never being alone. Never being concerned that my needs would not be met. My wants, well no, those could never be met in times of stress. I wanted these situations to go away. But my needs, my basic needs were taken care of. Without me doing much for myself. Other people took care of me in one way or another.
30 Days of Nothing is a time for me to realize how lucky I am. Not in ways that mean I will go without. In ways that I will focus my energy on all that I have. And take care of it. Treat it well. Take responsiblity for all that God has given me. People. Money. Shelter. Animals. Food. Comfort.
I have thrown so much away. So much that many can not even imagine having. That is one of the first things for me to take care of. In growing I can share. In sharing I can learn. In learning I can live.
That is what 30 Days of Nothing means to me. Not the path everyone will take. But my path I feel guided to take.
Tonia ~ thank you for all that you have made me face and think about.